Introduction
The following is a
faithful reproduction of a two page printed hand out that was given to me by my
high school counselor, Brother Leo Richard of ArchBishop Molloy. Brother Leo, God bless his soul, has since
passed on. I hope, by reproducing this
work, others who never met Brother Leo can still learn from this great
man.
If the article seems to
be somewhat “simple”, keep in mind that it was written for teenagers. However, I hope you agree that anyone of any
age can profit from the ideas presented here.
Without further adieu,
here are the “Ten Points of Self-Esteem”.
“Two
men looked out from prison bars, one saw mud, one saw stars.”
This saying
exemplifies the important precept of living that all individuals perceive a
reality that is unique solely to themselves.
One’s view of life situations greatly influences how one experiences the
world. Basic to this important factor
of how one views oneself, a strong self-image greatly influences how a person
is to act and respond to the world.
In dealing with
this basic premise – that an individual’s view of self greatly influences one’s
social reality – Doctor David Davis, a psychoanalyst from Beechhurst, L.I., and
Brother Leo Richard, a member of the Marist Brothers and Counselor at
ArchBishop Molloy High School, have delved into the powerful concert of
self-esteem and its pervasive influence in life. Love and acceptance of oneself is the foundation upon which a healthy
self-esteem can further expand.
1) The only reality in any social situation is the feelings we have about ourselves.
When I enter a room with other people in it,
I can project my own feelings into what they are actually thinking about me. I
might meet someone’s eyes and see a negative look on his face. If my esteem is
low, I might feel that he is rejecting me only because of the opinions I have
about myself. When I am truly confident, I have no need to obsess about what
others are thinking and saying about me.
2) The way I view myself, I shall view people and the world about me.
When I believe that
I am good and have worth, I will feel that way about others around me. If,
however, I feel that I am worthless, I shall view others with hostility,
mistrust, and fear.
3) I should always be going in-out and not out-in.
When I am going
in-out, I have total self-control. I don’t allow the moods and desires
of other people to influence my behavior. In this way, my feelings are not
controlled by people and events outside of myself. I have the final say about
how I will feel. When I am going out-in, I am people – controlled and can be
easily encouraged by others to do things I don’t want to do, which will cause
frustration and anxiety.
4) Always remain neutral and have no reaction in any social situation unless the people out there can tell us on the spot what we’re feeling at the time or write down what we’re feeling at the time.
I try not to jump
to hasty conclusions about people what people think, nor treat them in a
particular way because of the assumptions I may have concerning them. I try to
give all people a chance and hold off on my opinions and responses to them
until I definitely know something about them.
5) In life act on Damn Detailed Facts.
I try not to act in
a certain way because I take for granted that something is true, or suppose
that I know exactly how a person feels about me. In this way, I can eliminate
much anxiety. I act only when I know definitely that something is true, or has
really happened. I don’t know everything, so I shouldn’t be afraid to ask
others about their feelings. In this way, I get facts, for nine times out of
ten I will find that my opinions about others were false assumptions. By asking
questions, I start to deal in reality rather than in the fantasy world of my
own assumptions.
6) In social situations, always be frank and assertive about our feelings, but not at the expense of others.
CONCERNING OTHERS
If the way someone
acts toward me makes me feel uncomfortable or causes me to experience anxiety,
then I tell them so. By being truthful about my feelings, and asserting my
desire to curtail this behavior, I take control of the situation rather than
have my feelings manipulated by it.
CONCERNING MYSELF
When I’m asked my
opinion about something, I am honest and not influenced by what others may
think of me because of what I believe. However, I answer with common sense
and avoid hurting anyone else.
7) If you want
to know something ask the person, or nerves will build and a lot of false
assumptions as well.
By directly asking
a person how they feel about me, I can avoid unnecessary anxiety, and clarify
my own assumptions before they totally distort the reality of the
situation. In his way, I receive a
clear and accurate picture of what the person thinks about me. However, the person I ask is one whom I
respect, and whose opinion will matter to me.
8) Outside of obligation, do what you want to do.
There will always
be certain things (work, school, home) that I must do. However, I always try to find some time for
myself, and do things that I enjoy.
When I go along with the group out of habit, I find that I experience anxiety
because I am doing things that other people want me to do. Therefore, I do things which I enjoy and
which relax me, alone or with others.
If I do things which make me feel nervous or tense, I’m not really
eliminating anxiety. Finally, it is a
great thing to help others, but I never under-rate the importance of doing
things for myself.
9) Look at people eyeball level. If you are looking up and placing the person on a pedestal, or holding yourself as greater than he, the person will be a threat and you will start to look down upon yourself.
Whenever I raise
someone to a level greater than myself, I am naturally lowing my own
self-image. I will never be able to
find satisfaction in what I am as a person, for there will always be others
that are better than myself.
Also, when I lower
someone and regard the person as my inferior, then the person acts as an
outside agent who builds up my esteem.
My ego will be threatened when the person does not perform according to
my expectations of his inferiority.
Thus, my own self-image becomes dependent upon how better I am than the
other person.
The best way to
deal with people is on an equal level.
In this way, I build up my ego and self-concept, separate from others,
and I avoid anxiety by ceasing to compare myself with others.
10) People are always treated according to the feelings they give off.
If I dislike
myself, it is unjust of me to demand that others like me. When I feel worthless, people tend to treat
me this way. Thus a vicious cycle
forms.
Once I start
believing in myself, and accepting the fact that with all my limitations, I am
as good as everyone else, then I will be treated as I feel I should be. And when one does not treat me in this way,
I still maintain control over my self-image.
Finally, NO ONE can
be THREAT to my own greatness, EXCEPT
MYSELF.
1) If I love
myself, I can love others and others can love me.
2) When I HAVE
SELF-ESTEEM, I’m almost always doing what I want to do.
When I LACK
SELF-ESTEEM, I’m doing things I don’t want to do.
3) Self-esteem is a
constantly growing process which entails risks. However, it is not a matter of winning or proving anything, but
working towards my own happiness.
<End>
Well, that’s
it. I hope you liked it. On Brother Leo’s behalf, may I impart the
same advice he use to give us? When we
would be leaving Brother Leo’s office, he wouldn’t say something like “goodbye”
or “see you later”. Instead he would
shout to us with his booming voice,
“STAY STRAIGHT AND BE GREAT!”
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